Disappointment, Death, Anxiety and Frustration

The title of this post pretty much sums up how I have been feeling the past couple of weeks. Let me break it down:
*Disappointment- this covers many aspects of my life. It is probably easier to list why I am disappointed in myself than to explain why I am feeling each one
          **Not motivated to eat healthy or exercise
          **Feeling disappointed that I have not been the best person I could be especially when it comes to
              family. Not necessarily my own little family but my extended family.
          **Not telling people that how they treat me/act towards me effects me...both negatively and  
              positively.
*Death- The day before Thanksgiving my Pappy passed away after living a wonderfully full and happy life.  He was a hard working and hard loving man. I have so many fond memories of spending time with him. It is always hard to lose a loved one but this one hit me really hard.
*Anxiety- I have really been trying to live in the moment and enjoy each day as it comes. This is really hard for me. I like to have a plan. I know that I will probably be going back to work in January and that brings a little bit of anxiety which is to be expected. What is not expected an causing me a lot of problems is the anxiety of thinking about next school year. Yes...a full 9 months away.
*Frustration- all of these things pretty much cause me to be frustrated with myself. I know I shouldn't worry about so much and go so upset about things but that is just how I am wired.

So how does this all play into being a FAT MAMMA? Well, I feel like I am back on the fat train. I haven't been counting points and have been binge eating a lot more. When I am disappointed, I eat. When I am anxious, I eat. When I am frustrated, I eat. SO HARD! What the hubs and I have decided to do is for the month of December we are going to enjoy ourselves and the holiday season but also be aware of what we are eating. I don't expect to lose weight and may even gain a bit. However, I am ok with this. I am not going to be a prisoner to food BUT I am also not going to be a FAT MAMMA forever. I know that come January, I will be ready to jump back on the train. I still plan on going to my WW meetings and weighing in because I think it is important to keep myself in check . I will let you know next Friday how it goes.

Hooray

 For small victories...that's all it takes, right?  Baby steps is what everyone says. So Fat Mamma is taking baby steps. This week I took a baby step and lost 0.8lbs. So that means that I am down 19lbs...again! It was kinda bittersweet...I am at 10% weight loss again. But hey...that's almost 20 lbs. I said to the Hubs that I wanted to lose one pound this week so I can be down 20 pounds. However, he brought me back to reality. "HELLO....it's Thanksgiving week!" Duh! So my goal this week is to maintain. We shall see...good thing is that I don't really like many of the traditional Thanksgiving foods. Turkey, mashed taters and pumpkin pie (no crust) are about the only things I like! Having to weigh in the day after T-giving also helps keep me in check. YIKES!

Interesting

I was pretty damn sure that I was going to step on the scale on Friday and hear that I had gained a little bit. I was shocked when she said that I was down 2 pounds. I was happy but at the same time I felt guilty. Guilty because I knew that I hadn't eaten very well in the past week and I had done absolutely ZERO exercise. I should have gained weight. Hmmm...now I am wondering, wondering if it will catch up to me this week. As I sat in the meeting on Friday I said to myself that this was my "free pass", my incentive to get my ass back on track. So here is how the past couple of days have gone:
Friday Night- out to dinner = beer, grilled chicken sandwich and Cesar salad (not too bad)
Saturday- (B-Fast)- nutri grain bar and banana (Lunch)- some type of chicken egg roll appetizer and side salad- pretty sure this wasn't the best choice....grrr  (Dinner)- pizza- three pieces and some garlic roll things- NOT a good choice
Sunday- (B-Fast)- nutri grain bar (Lunch)- some pretzels and an apple (Dinner)- beer, hamburger, cheesy potatoes (not much), small piece of ice cream cake- not too bad but made some bad choices

So...FAT MAMMA is not off to a great "new start" . I need to make better choices AND I need to get my butt out and moving. Here are some reasons why:
1) I feel better when I do some type of exercise.
2) I eat better when I exercise.
3) It helps me lose weight.
4) I am doing a 5k in 11 days and I will NOT "drop-out"!

There you have it. I MUST get my booty in gear! I have no excuses...

Will I or Won't I?

    First of all I have to say thank you to all of my friends and family that have been thinking about me and praying for me over the past couple of weeks. I think I say this in every post but it really does get me through the rough days knowing that so many people are out there rooting for me.
    So it's Friday. Yippee, Yahoo, Freedom as many of you are probably thinking. However, I am thinking, "Will I or Won't I lose weight?" I have been pretty good this week. The beginning of the week was awesome and I was really careful but Thursday and Friday were not so good. According to my scale I am down a little bit, which is fine. A loss is a loss. I will check back in later and let you know how it went!

Something to think about...

   Last night I made a delicious dinner of spaghetti, meatballs, spicy Italian sausage and garlic bread. A dieter's dream...not really. However, I budgeted for dinner and knew that I would need to "save points" in order to enjoy dinner. Dinner was ready to be served and  I started measuring out my portion. One cup of spaghetti, two ounces of sausage, an eighth of a cup of sauce and one piece of garlic bread. We happily ate dinner as a family (including the boy) and had good conversations about our day. The girl even tried spicy sausage and liked it. I finished my allotted food and felt pretty satisfied.
   About 8:00 rolled around and my stomach was GROWLING. I had a glass of water to see if I was just thirsty and it didn't help so I had a two point ice cream bar and went on my merry way. About 9:00 came and I was ready to head to bed and I was hungry again, I grabbed a two point fiber one brownie. I went one point over for the day and I was ok with that because I was hungry.
  As I was getting ready for bed, I said to the hubs that I was starving. His reply was, "So go eat something."  I told him that I was "out of points" and I really want to be good this week. He responded something along the lines of "its too bad that you have this idea that you have to be skinny to look good". Hmm...I thought to myself. He is kinda right...there are many larger people that look good. A few minutes later I said to him, "I am happy to know that you will love me even if I am a FAT MAMMA but I want to be healthier and feel better about myself. " "Good point," he replied. End of conversation.
   I woke up this morning still thinking about our conversation last night. It really is easy to be fat and happy. Food makes me happy. Being unhealthy and unhappy in my body doesn't make me happy. I sure do have something to think about...

Oops I did it again...

   No, I am not having a Britney Spears flashback moment. You guessed it, I gained again! However, this week it was only 0.2 lbs. Let me explain: all last week I was a little more careful of what I ate and what I put in my mouth for the most part. Thursday night was 50/50 on if I would gain or lose. So Friday morning I got up, got showered, put on my jeans, shirt and cute scarf (that I made BTW) and headed to my meeting. I hopped on the scale and the lady said in a whisper and a frown on her face, "honey, you're up 0.2". My response was, "Hell, that's better than last week's 3lb gain." Not exactly what she thought she would hear but whatever...that's just how I am.
   I sat down to wait for the meeting to start and it hit me...JEANS...clothes. The 0.2 was because of the clothes I was wearing. You see, up until this week I weighed in every week wearing the exact same clothes: t-shirt, sports bra, underwear and shorts. Hell, everyone knows that winter clothes weigh a lot more than summer clothes. JACKPOT! I guess it is good that I "forgot" to wear my weigh in outfit b/c from this point on I would look pretty silly in shorts and a t-shirt in 30 degree weather!
   The meeting was great, it was with a leader that I had never met before and she was great. Very thought provoking and I left feeling motivated. So motivated that I went out to lunch and had: garlic bread, pizza, and 4 beers! DAMN IT...grrr. Oh well...life goes on and I am going to live my life. I am not going to be a FAT MAMMA but I am not going to be one of those over the top crazy people that deny themselves everything. I am taking it one day at a time...yesterday was not a great day in the diet world but that's OK...I can and I will do better today!

Damn Candy

Why, why, why? Why can't I control myself? I had been doing so well the past couple of days and I was motivated to get back on track. Halloween KILLED me yesterday. I couldn't control myself. "Just one piece" lead to about a million pieces. I just don't know what it is right now...I am having such a hard time motiviating myself and staying on track. I am starting to think, "Once a FAT MAMMA always a FAT MAMMA". I really hope not but I just don't know. It really is so easy to be fat. I know I should go downstairs and do some sort of workout but I just want to lay around and do nothing. HELP!!!!

I told you so...

     FAT MAMMA don't lie so I am puttin' it out there. I GAINED weight. 3 pounds to be exact.(so 10% no more)  The good things are that I knew it was coming, I knew exactly what I did to "earn" three pounds, I know that I need to get back on track and I am MOTIVATED. I am hoping to lose some more weight before the holiday season so I can enjoy some of the temptations that may come my way!
     In other news, I am so motivated to lose weight and try new things that I signed up for a half marathon. Yep...me running 13.1 miles. I will be training with Team in Training to benefit the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society so I know the support and training will be great. This also means that I will be fundraising for the society to help eradicate blood cancers. Did you know that every 4 minutes someone in the United States is diagnosed with a blood cancer? Just think about that for a while and then you will know why I am going to be raising funds for such a great cause. If you would like to join me for the Nike Women's Half Marathon in DC on April 28, 2013, let me know! Word on the street is that you get a "Little Blue Box" at the end and it is presented to you by some very HANDSOME fellas!
    

Prize Post Update

     Thank you to those of you that emailed me with your guesses about the picture. No one was "correct" but my Aunt Linda and Sister-in-Law were close! The key chain that I featured is the Weight Watchers 10% key chain. Each member that loses 10% of their body weight is given this key chain. It is quite an accomplishment. Some people reach 10% at 10 lbs and some reach 10% at 50 lbs. I had to lose 19 lbs to reach my 10%. On October 12, 2012, I weighed in at 172.6 lbs for a total of 19.4 lbs lost! This was one proud FAT MAMMA! I walked out of that meeting with a little hop in my step, my head held high and a huge smile on my face.
    

Apology

   I have to apologize to the people that actually take the time to check-up and read this blog. FAT MAMMA has been on a "life strike" as I am calling it. If you recall, several weeks ago I wrote about my own personal Hell on Earth. I'm kinda still there. Things are "getting better" but I am still on "strike". My emotions are up, down and all around. I thank my lucky stars every day that I have the Hubs, my kids, my parents, my in-laws, and a few good friends because they have gotten me through the past  29 days by visiting, calling, and letting me vent & cry. I want to be better and get back to my good ole' life (minus the FAT MAMMA part) but I am just really having a hard time. So stick with me and I promise I will try to be a better blogger.
    I haven't weighed in since 10/12/12- almost two weeks. I have been busy and by busy I mean eating like shit. I know I have gained weight and it makes me want to vomit thinking about all of the crap that I have had in the past two weeks. So as of right now, 8:26 PM on 10/24/12, I am back on track. Today I started tracking my points, weighing my food, and thinking about EVERYTHING that went into my mouth. I will weigh in on Saturday morning knowing that I have gained weight. Maybe a pound, maybe 5 pounds. Am I ok with it? NO. Will I accept it and move on? YES.

Here is my plan:
-track my points
-plan meals in advance
-get moving
-sign up for my next 5k (Thanksgiving Day)
-sign up for a 1/2 marathon with TNT (more on that later)

    For those of you that know me well, I do better with a plan. Hopefully, with this plan I will keep myself accountable. I am also asking for your help...call me, email me, text me...ask me what I am doing to be active today, what am I eating today? I know there are a few people that read this but a few extra "reminders" will really help me! THANKS in advance!

   So like I said, thanks to those of you that are still following me on what has turned into more of a life journey than a weight loss journey. I will win and I will get back to the old FAT MAMMA.

Prize Post

So, this is the first ever FAT MAMMA prize post. The first person to correctly identify this object will win a prize. Please be specific in your response...it is obviously a key chain but what kind/significance of a key chain? If you know the answer please email FAT MAMMA at jimandkellythomas(at)yahoo(dot)com. I can't put the link or I get too much spam! :) Once someone has correctly identified and "explained" the object below I will do a post about it! Good luck!

Back on the Train

     This FAT MAMMA loves to go on vacations. I have been on some pretty amazing ones: England, Mexico, South Africa, and just about every state in the US. I have also been on a more unknown vacation...a diet vacation. Yep, that's right. I hopped off the Weight Loss Journey train about 10 days ago. I can't say that I enjoyed every minute of it because I felt GUILTY! However, I did let myself enjoy some food/beverages that I haven't had in a few months. Well, today I got back on the train and I am riding smooth.
      The past couple of weeks have been really tough as you all know. I have also admitted to myself (and all that read this blog) that I am a stress/emotional eater. I have now told myself that just because I am tackling some pretty severe mental/emotional issues, I can not support myself by eating shitty food. And by shitty, I mean good, yummy, make you feel happy food.
      I didn't weigh in this week because of the race and I am happy b/c I know that I would have been up. I still weigh myself every day and I am up about 1-2 lbs depending on the day. I am also being visited my that wonderful womanly monthly visitor (sorry male readers) and I have heard that some women's weight can fluctuate 1-7 lbs during this time!
     Anyways, I am back on the journey and ready to kick some FAT MAMMA ass. Hopefully, I will find some inspiration for posts this week. Kinda in a funk...banana bread...that's it, I will blog about the almost fat free banana bread that I made! 

I better get my ASS in gear or this will be me on my next vacation! YIKES

First One Is In The Bag

     I DID IT!!!! I ran my first 5k. I am pretty damn proud of myself. Up until Tuesday of this week, the longest I had ran was 5 minutes straight. On Tuesday, I went out for what I thought would be a run/walk combo. I knew that I was going to probably be walking more than running. Once I got going I realized that it was easier to just run and I ended up running 2.2 miles straight. That took me about 34 minutes.
      So going into this morning's run I figured it would probably take me about 45 minutes to finish 3.1 miles. I was ok with this...my goal was to finish and not be the last to finish. I could give you the play by play but I will make it short. I would estimate that I ran all but maybe .3 miles. I had to walk three times and each time was only for a minute or two. There were a couple of hills...two that I got angry at! The first one was in the first mile and it was long...I ran up the whole thing. The second one was in the last half mile. I was PISSED but towards the middle of the last hill I could see the finish banner! YAHOO! I made it up the hill (running the whole way) and made it into the final stretch. Addy, Jim , Peyton and Katie were about 15 feet from the finish line cheering me on and it felt great. I looked at the clock and I came in at 37 minutes and some change! YAHOOOOOOO.
      I am so glad I did this and I am SO glad that Katie was there to do it with me. She is a stronger runner so she went ahead and I am happy that she did b/c she was there when I finished! Now here is the best part about the race...the beer trucks were open and serving when we finished! Yep...we had our first beer in our hands by 9:15 am! Next, it was time for Addy to do the kids race. This was a joke...she was in the 4 and under category and there were a LOT of little kids so Addy was forced to WALK her race. She was really disappointed but she says she still had fun! While I was waiting for Addy to start her race I turned around to see my friend Maggie standing there. Katie had arranged for Maggie to be there to cheer us on!
     After Addy's "race" we all sat down with our beers, well Katie and I did, and enjoyed the live music and beautiful weather. All in all...a pretty damn good morning after what have been some pretty shitty weeks. FAT MAMMA had a smile on her face, laughs out of her mouth, a sense of accomplishment on her mind, and happiness in her heart. Just what I needed.

At the finish...beer in hands. No I did not run with Peyton on my chest!

**I am a blabber mouth...I said this would not be the play by play but it is...too bad.**

I'm Not Gonna Lie

  Beware...this is a long post.  Fat Mamma don't lie so I am gonna lay it all out for you. The past three weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life. My own personal Hell on Earth. I have known for many years that I had some "inner demons" that played tricks with my head...making me feel things about myself that I knew weren't true, things that at the moment were terrible but with a little positive thinking, were gone with the blink of an eye. No, I don't mean that I heard voices...the only voice was my own telling me that I wasn't good enough, not smart enough, and other stupid thoughts like that.
     So when I started "getting down on myself" a couple of weeks ago, I figured I just needed to shake it off and get back on the ball. Well, as hard as I tried and the more I tried to shake the negative thoughts, the worse it got. Work was stressing me out beyond belief and it started impacting my life at home. I was constantly sad, angry, short tempered, tired and always feeling guilty about "something". I realized that self talk wasn't going to cut it. I was in BAD shape. Finally, I broke. I reached my lowest...I called the hubs upset last Tuesday and told him that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I guess to some people this would be considered suicidal but I don't think so. At no point did I have any intent on harming myself...I just wanted to sleep...FOREVER.
     The hubs came right home, talking to me the entire way. We knew that we had to make a plan to get myself healthy and back to myself. I mean come on...I have a wonderful family, great friends and I am kicking ass on my weight loss journey! So...I made the first available appt with my Psychiatrist, knowing that I had tried everything I could without being able to shake the funk. At my appointment it was very apparent to her that we had to do something fast before I got any worse. After talking to her and her deciding to make some medication changes, she also decided that I needed to take a leave of absence from work. She said there was NO amount or combination of medications that were going to help me get better without being able to take time for myself. This was like a kick in the stomach.
    I am proud to be a teacher. Yes, the pay sucks, we are not respected like we should be, and demands grow and grow each year. BUT the idea that I am helping to shape young peoples' minds is an awesome feeling. However, what my doctor was saying came through loud and clear, I have to take a break to get myself healthy before I can help anyone else. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband that understood 100% and just wants his wife back.
   You all know how close my mom and I are, best friends. Well, she has known for a couple of weeks that I was on a downward slide and had kept asking if I needed her to come up. I kept saying no, I can deal with it, I will be fine. On Tuesday, when I was so so low, she called the hubs and asked if she should come and he said yes. My mom immediately dropped everything, in Ohio where she was visiting friends and flew to be by my side. Sometimes you need your mom...1 or 31, age doesn't matter. When my Mom got here, I just cried, and cried.
  So it has been almost a week since I was at my lowest and I am still pretty low. I can't quite grasp the idea of taking time for myself. I am still worrying about work...feeling like I need to be making plans and doing things. I feel so guilty that I have let my coworkers down, even though the tell me that they understand and they just want me better. I still feel like I can't just sit down at home for an hour and read a book or watch trash TV, that I should be cleaning or doing something like that.
  This afternoon, I have an appt with a therapist that I have been seeing for about a month. Most of our discussions centered around the stress of work and how to help myself feel better about doing the best I can and not worry about what others think. I have a feeling today we will change that focus on how I can get myself to let go of the grief and guilty feelings. After today, I will start with a new therapist who focuses on anxiety and behavior modification. I am not "excited" but I am feeling a bit of hope. I am really struggling with feeling like I am never going to feel like the old FAT MAMMA . I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't feel like this HELL is ever going to end. I know it will but I just can't see it right now.
    My mom and dad left today, hubs is at work, kids are at school , and I am home with the dog. I am going to try my best to relax and not feel guilty/get upset...really I will try my best but I can't make any promises. But before I end this horribly depressing (sorry) post, I do have one piece of good news: I lost another pound this week. I am now down 18.4lbs. I am now only .6lbs away from my 10% goal. I know this week will be hard...I am home by myself all day...I think I should sit on the couch and eat crap all day BUT I am going to try and get myself out and walking/running. The 5k is SATURDAY and I am going to do it. I am in no way ready for it but I signed up for it and I am not backing down. I may take an hour and walk the whole thing but I am going to do it.

Week ???

Things are such a blur right now that I am not even sure what week I am in and I am too tired to save this and go back and look. I am thinking it is week 9 or something like that. Here's the down and dirty...I lost again this week. It was only .6lbs but I am a little bit less of a FAT MAMMA again this week. I think that puts my total loss at 17.4lbs. Not too shabby for two months.

Highlights
I didn't cry so much this week.
I did not eat junk food out of the teachers lounge with the exception of 4 candy corn! :)
I realized that I have an amazing support system of friends and family.

Lowlights
I cried.
I wanted to give up.
I drank a little too many adult beverages.
I ate a little too much "junk" food.

There you have it...hopefully I will get my life figured out and back on track. Thanks to everyone that has been there for me in the past couple of weeks. Your love and prayers have not gone unnoticed.

Week 8

It's been a week. That's all I can say. I will fill you in on what's going on at another time. Tonight's post is short and sweet. I lost .8lbs for a total of 16.8lbs lost in 8 weeks. With all that went down this week I am ok with a small amount lost. Please say a prayer for a better week.

Yes, Please

During tonight's workout I had a good laugh. I had my Pandora set to "workout radio". Usually this is a good mix of high tempo and motivating songs. I about choked when "Sugar Pie Honey Bunch" by the Four Tops came on. Here was the conversation that I had with myself:

Song: "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch"
FAT MAMMA: "Pie? Yes, please. Honey Buns? Oh yeah."
Song: "You know that I love you"
FAT MAMMA: "Yes, I sure do love you."
Song: "I can't help myself"
FAT MAMMA:  "You are right, you can't help yourself...that's what got you into this mess of fatness."
Song: "I love you and nobody else"
FAT MAMMA: "Well I do love Hubs, the Girl, the Boy, and the rest of my family and friends. But damn food...I love you too!"
Yep, this was the dialogue that went on in my head during the song. Kept me motivated...and drooling for some sweets! Hope you got a laugh out of this like I did! Happy Hump Day! We are on the downward slide towards the weekend! THANK GOD!

PS...I ran for a whole 5 minutes tonight...TWICE! Yeah FAT MAMMA!

Oh Shit

Just realized that 5k is in less than a month. Too bad I will NOT be ready for it. I have fallen behind in training. Life and work keep getting in the way. I know...it's not an excuse but it kinda is. Here is an example of what a pretty typical day/night looks like for me...starting at 9:00 pm last night:
 9:00 pm- in bed and almost asleep

9:45 pm- boy is screaming- up to feed him - back in bed @ 10:20

1:15 am- boy is screaming- rock and get him settled down- back to bed @ 2:30

3:30 am- damn DOG has to poop....PISSED OFF FAT MAMMA 

5:45 am- alarm goes off and get out of bed

6:40 am- out the door with the Boy and Girl in tow (usually I just take the Boy but she insisted)

7:20 am- arrive @ work

4:15 pm- leave work to pick up the tykes

5:15 pm- arrive @ home

5:20 pm- play outside with the Girl

6:00 pm- Boy in bath while Hubs makes dinner for girl

6:45  pm- bottle and bed for boy

7:00 pm - shower for girl

7:30 pm- clean bottles and pack bags/lunches for tomorrow

8:00 pm-  Girl in bed & dinner for FAT MAMMA

8:20 pm- throw in and fold a load of laundry

8:45 pm- about to pass out from exhaustion so off to bed i go

Please don't tell me that I should get up 30 minutes earlier and exercise...you get your ass up all hours of the night and then tell me to get up and exercise. Sorry to bitch but I am tired. Tired but still want to be successful. I just can't find a balance. Please don't think the Hubs doesn't help because he helps more than just about any other men that I know. He is a wonderful husband, dad and support. Tonight he is at a meeting and is gone from 6:30-???. Not typical BUT even when he is home the schedule is pretty much the same but he entertains the girl while i do the other chores. Oh well...should quit bitchin' and get my ass moving. Too bad I can't eat, fold laundry, blog, catch up on work emails AND run on the treadmill all at the same time. If I could...I wouldn't be a cranky bitch right now.

Week 7

Week 7 is in the books. Actually it is weeks 6 & 7 since I couldn't weigh in on Labor Day. I have switched my weigh in day to Saturday mornings. Going in the evening after work is just too much. When I get home I like to get my housework done and then go to bed! I think Saturday mornings will work out well. I didn't get to stay for the meeting this morning but I am hoping that starting next weekend, I will be able to stay.

Highlights
I did not fall to temptation in the teacher's workroom or teacher's lounge! There are ALWAYS snacks (not ones that are good for you) in those places. There was some really yummy looking pumpkin cinnamon bread that I really wanted to try but I didn't! YAHOO
I took my lunch to work every day.
I really took the time to think about every thing that I put in my mouth and if I really needed to eat it.
I met my daily step goal 6 out of 7 days!
I did a new workout...8 minute abs. It HURT but I did all 8 minutes!

Lowlights
I "cheated" one night because I was so stressed out. I had two pieces of pizza and a few garlic knots...not really too bad but I felt guilty.
I skipped two meals because I was stressed out...not good because it makes me hungrier later and then I want to pig out.
I only got on the treadmill one time. That 5k in less than a month is going to hurt if I don't get my ass in gear.


I am sure there are more but I forget. I need to be better about writing these things down! Oh well. So here it goes. As of today I am 16lbs less of a FAT MAMMA! That means I am down 3 lbs this week. Only three more pounds until I hit 10%!!!!

I took some time to update my pictures. Below is a picture comparing me from 7 weeks ago until today! Not as much of a difference as I had hoped but oh well.

A teeny tiny victory

This whole work thing is still kicking my ass. I came home today one totally exhausted FAT MAMMA. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed at 5pm and sleep until tomorrow but I didn't. I threw the boy at hubs, quickly changed my clothes, and got on the treadmill. And I ran...for three whole minutes! No, you dorks...I spent more than 3 minutes exercising...28 to be exact but I RAN for 3 solid minutes at a 5.6 pace. That might not seem much to some of you but to this FAT MAMMA, this is a teeny tiny victory. You see...about a month ago I could barely run @ a 4.5 for one minute! The way I look at it, a lot of teeny tiny victories will add up to a big victory in the long run!

Damn Holiday

Normally I would say this around Thanksgiving or Christmas but not Labor Day. I am actually saying this because WW was closed today b/c of the holiday! This meant that FAT MAMMA couldn't weigh in! GRRR.

Do you trust me? Yes, I just asked if you trust me. If you don't trust me you can stop reading but keep reading if you trust me. Last week I weighed myself a minute before I left to get weighed and I weighed exactly the same on my home scale and the WW scale. So since I couldn't officially weigh in today, I decided to do it at home just to keep myself in check. The unofficial results are -0.0lbs. I weighed in at exactly the same as last week. 179.0lbs.

I am not in the mood to do highlights and lowlights tonight so I will just tell you that I could have done better and I could have done worse. I am OK with it. This week...I am going to kick ass!

This Week Was Really Hard

It is Sunday morning...36 hours until I weigh in. I am pretty sure that this week will be a "gain" week. I am ok with that because like I have said before, this is going to be a long journey and one "bad" week here and there isn't so bad. I think it is even more ok (does that make sense?) because I learned a few things this week.

This week was really hard for this FAT MAMMA. It was hard on several different levels. 1) I went back to work after being off for 5 months. 2) The boy decided that he didn't want to sleep anymore. 3) I realized how crazy hard it is to be a full time working mom of two kids with a house to keep up with. 4) I found out that I have to be "on my game" every minute of every day and if I don't, I feel like I have let myself down.

Like I said, I also learned a lot this week. 1) I am an emotional/stress eater. 2) I have to plan ahead in order to ensure that I eat the best that I can. 3) Lack of sleep really messes with a person. 4) There are lots of people that are out there to support me on this journey and they keep me going.

I plan to take all of these things that I learned this week and use them in the future to help myself keep truckin' on this journey. I really appreciate each of you that continue to push me and encourage me on this journey. Your comments, emails, phone calls and death stares as I try to sneak bad food, really do keep me going and this FAT MAMMA is going to do just that...keep going!

Stress Eating

How many of you KNOW that you eat when you are stressed? I never realized that I did until today. Like I said in yesterday's post, I went back to work this week after almost 5 months off.
Full Time Job + 2 kids + a house to keep up with = a stressed out FAT MAMMA! When I got home today after a 12 hour day, I wanted to stuff my face. It was almost like I wanted to eat out of anger. I am mad that I let work stress me out, I am mad that I don't feel like I can give my family 100% when I am working and I am mad that I am FAT.

I took a step back (actually a step to the kitchen sink to wash bottles) and did some self-talk. I reminded myself that I am doing a great job on this diet and I shouldn't let stress ruin it. I wanted to make a big ole' FAT MAMMA pb & j but I didn't. I had some chicken that the hubs had made yesterday and some pretzels. The chicken took care of my actual hunger and the pretzels took care of my "junk food" craving.

I just have to keep telling myself that it is ok and normal to have stress but it is NOT ok to "cure" my stress with food. Tonight, I am going to put away laundry, that has been sitting in the basket for two days, and try to check a few things off of my home to-do list so I feel like I accomplished something tonight. I really just want to curl up in a ball and cry (or stuff my fat face)...but I am not going to!

Week 5

YIPPEE SKIPPEE! So the weekly weigh in is behind me and guess what? I LOST weight! YAHOO! Actually, I lost A LOT of weight! 3.6 lbs!!!! YIPPEE! I am so excited. That brings my total to 13.0 lbs lost in 5 weeks. Still a FAT MAMMA but once again, a little bit less than one!

Highlights
I WAS REALLY GOOD!
I did not "go out" to dinner. I had fast food a couple of times but each time I was sure to stay within my points range.
I enjoyed lots of healthy meals at home.
I did not drink as much Diet Coke.
I drank a lot more water.

Lowlights
I only got on the treadmill one time! IT HURT!
I still have "dreams" about pigging out. I want to go out to eat and just EAT AND EAT! Not really but kinda!


I am sure there were more lowlights but I am too tired to think. (I started back to work today AND the boy is teething/not sleeping!) I have a couple of posts in line so hopefully I can bust those out this week!

Bonus

Happy Hump Day! I am always on the look out for new foods that are yummy and satisfying. For those of you that know me well, I am a very plain and unadventurous eater. I still eat and cook many of the same things that we ate growing up...and still love them! The Hubs is on his own little diet adventure and is rather restricted in what types of food he can eat so we have spent the last week trying LOTS of new foods...mainly meats. On Sunday we tried Buffalo (Bison) and tonight we had Lamb. The ground bison was mixed with a little bit of salt, pepper and garlic powder and formed into patties (hamburger style) and cooked in a pan. YUMMO! Tonight, Hubs mixed the ground lamb with ground cilantro, cinnamon, thyme, salt, pepper, and cumin. Then he formed them into meatballs and baked them in the oven. Another YUMMO! Now here is the best part...daughter ate BOTH items! We didn't exactly tell her what they were, she thought hamburgers and regular meatballs. We are always asking her to try new food and she never wants to but both times that we "forgot" to tell her she liked the food! Tonight we finally told her what she ate...she was in awe! And that my friends, is a BONUS!

Week 4

I did it! What did I do? I GAINED WEIGHT! Yep...I am a little more of a FAT MAMMA this week than last. But I am at peace with this. I kinda felt it going into tonight's meeting...a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was actually estimating a two pound gain but to my surprise it was only 1.2 lbs gained.  Like I said, I am OK with this...not happy but OK. Here is what I have for you this week:

Highlights
I took the Little Guy to his daycare for the first time...not really weight related BUT I could have used it as an excuse to eat my sadness away BUT I didn't!
I am still chugging away at the C25K program. Didn't get my three days in this week. Once I get into a routine next week (back to work), I hope to find where it will fit in my daily schedule: AM or PM.
I hosted some neighbor ladies for cards and didn't pig out. I snacked on carrots and grapes.
I made one of my favorite appetizers with lighter ingredients and I couldn't taste the difference.

Lowlights
"Snacked" a little too much this week.
Didn't get on the exercise train enough.
Sat on my A@@ too much. I know this will change when I go back to work next week so I guess I am just trying to enjoy the down time a little bit!

All in all, not a great week but not horribly bad. I am NOT proud of myself but I am PROUD that I am not going to let one detour throw me off my journey! Hopefully this week I will make some better choices and it will show next week!

Side note: I am wondering if the MASSIVE zit on my cheek could possibly weigh 1.2lbs and thus explain the weight gain? The damn thing is HUGE! Guess I will never know!

This Little Gadget



HORRIBLE picture of the Fitbit Ultra

 Is super cool! This is the Fitbit Ultra. I equate it to a pedometer on steroids. A friend of mine had shown me hers a couple of weeks ago, when I was on my way to becoming a SUPER FAT MAMMA. When I decided to start walking/running I knew I needed a way to track myself. I took a look at www.fitbit.com and liked what I saw. The Fitbit tracks, steps, distance, calories burned, and sets of stairs. And those are just the features on the actual device. When you update your dashboard (automatically done when you sit next to your computer), it also gives you all kinds of other great information like how many hours out of the day you are sedentary, active, or even very active. Way cool, huh? You can also track your weight, what you eat and lots of other things but I use WW for those! You also get to personalize a greeting for your Fitbit. Of course, I chose FAT MAMMA so when I use it, it says things like Bonjour, FAT MAMMA!
I have really enjoyed "getting to know" my Fitbit. It is just one more thing to keep me motivated. My goal is 10,000 steps a day...which is actually a lot! I can't wait to see how many steps I take each day when I am working!

Have a great weekend! This FAT MAMMA is headed to a pool party...can't wait until I am not a FAT MAMMA in a bathing suit! Too bad the Fitbit isn't waterproof...might have to do some water walking! DORK, I know!

Fat Mamma's Nightmare

Last weekend the Hubs and I took the kids to the mall to pick up a few things and have dinner. Dinner was a success...NO BEER, a grilled chicken sandwich (with buffalo sauce of course) and a side salad. Shopping was a success...a new "gadget" to aid in my journey (a post on that later). However, while walking around the mall we came upon FAT MAMMAS worst nightmare:

Orange Chicken & Fried Rice- yes please
Spicy Chicken Sandwich & Sweet Tea- damn skippy
Cheese Pizza & Breadsticks- um, of course
Red Velvet Cupcake- sure, why not
Cinnabon- hell yes

I mean come on...all of these places in one location! DREAM COME TRUE for the old FAT MAMMA but not anymore. Any one of these places could have been a detour on my journey but I just kept walking. And SMILING knowing that I was making a good choice!

Week 3

I love it when our Weight Watchers leader ends the meeting. I hope to see less of you next week! At first I didn't really understand what she meant but then I got it! DUH! So Week 3 is in the bag and here is what I have for you:

Highlights
I continued the C25K program and added some abdominal exercises. Lord knows I needed to!
I purchased two new "gadgets" to aid in my journey. More on those at another time!
I tried another new "food". More on that another time!
I ate like crap 3 nights out of 7. Not really a highlight but it tasted soooo good!
After eating/drinking like crap for 3 nights in a row, I jumped right back on the train and continued the journey.
Took the kiddos to the National Zoo and walked over three miles with a 16 lb infant strapped to me, pushing a stroller with a ton of weight in it, and dragging a 4 year old up the hill at the end! AND I WASN'T HUFFING AND PUFFING!
Went out to lunch at a very tempting restaurant but chose a salad (no dressing) and a half sandwich (no cheese) instead!

Lowlights
I ate like crap 3 nights out of 7.
Still haven't mastered the whole saying "NO" thing.
Drank too much Diet Coke. Trying to cut it down to one a day (it is my coffee) but I just seem to need two a day to keep me going.


As I look back at the highlights/lowlights...I am pleased. I am still pumped to be on this journey and I am really enjoying it! I think that the fact that I am enjoying what I am doing helps A LOT! Heading to tonight's meeting I was pretty sure that I would not lose much or maybe even gain and I was OK with that. I had a great week seeing friends that I don't get to see often and celebrating with family. Boy was I surprised when I got on the scale and heard "Good Job, you're down 1.4lbs!" Yep, that's right...I hit the 10lb mark! My total weight lost is 10.6lbs! Not only am I down 10lbs but I have now lost over 5% of my total body weight. Can't wait to hit 10%!!! That my friends,is my motivation this week. It took me 3 weeks to hit 5%, how long do you think it will take me to hit 10%?

Paper Clips

     Hey everyone! I hope you are all having a great start to the weekend! Sorry for the lack of posts...I have been busy spending time with my college roommate! We had a lot of fun, laughed a lot, and ate/drank just a little too much! Oh well...we don't get to see each other too often so it was well worth it!
     As you all know, I am doing Weight Watchers to help myself become healthier and lose a little weight..nah a lot of weight. The first two meetings that I attended we had a "substitute" leader because the regular Monday gal was on vacation. I really liked Teri and was a little sad that she would not be our leader...until I met Marilyn last Monday. She is a breath of fresh air. She is energetic, encouraging, and a former FAT MAMMA. Marilyn is all about finding ways to constantly remind herself (and others) that she is on a journey and trying to do her best to live a healthy lifestyle. So when she asked the group how many people needed paper clips, I was a little confused. The normal Monday people were all excited that the "paper clips were back" and they quickly passed around a box of colorful paperclips. Some people took a few and some people took none. Marilyn informed us that this is a method that she uses to help keep herself motivated. For every pound she loses she adds a colorful clip to her chain. Marilyn's chain is now 50 clips long! There were chains of all different lengths in that meeting...some just 4 or 5 clips and some 20-30 clips! Some people keep their chains hidden and some people have them proudly displayed on their purses and or somewhere else very visual.
     Of course I was very excited to start my chain! I chose my 9 clips (can you guess what color scheme I went with) and made my chain! I decided that I am going to put my chain around my rear-view mirror.Hey, at least it isn't baby booties I am hanging, right!  Why my car, you ask? I am always in my car. At least a couple of times a day and sometimes spending hours a day in my car. Placing the chain in my car will serve as a constant reminder that I am this journey and that I am choosing to make better decisions. I am very excited to watch my chain grow. I am sure there will be weeks that it doesn't grow (probably this week) and there will be weeks that it grows a lot! The longer the chain, the less of a FAT MAMMA I will be!

Fat Mamma Don't Like This Feeling

Today I feel like crap, like a real FAT MAMMA. Two things are weighing heavy on my mind today:

Reason 1:  Last night I splurged. My college roommate is in town for work and last night Hubs watched the munchkins so Brooke and I could do some shopping and hanging out. Before we left I made "yummy" meal. Summer Vegetables with Sausage and Potatoes. Sounds good, right? Well it wasn't. It sucked. I think it was just the chicken sausage that I didn't like. Regardless, I wasn't going to waste points on something that didn't taste yummy. So Brooke and I headed out for some shopping and decided to stop at a local establishment for a bite to eat and a drink. Well, A drink turned into two 22 oz beers and A bite turned into chicken wings, pretzel sticks and fried pickles. A dieter's dream! No wait, a FAT MAMMA's dream...make that nightmare. I went to bed feeling guilty for splurging and woke up this morning feeling the same. I did what I knew I had to do, get on the treadmill and get right back on the diet train. Still feeling guilty but trying to realize that spending time with friends that live far away doesn't happen very often.

Reason 2: Daughter is starting a new school program in two weeks. We are very excited for this opportunity and excited that she is once again excited about school. So what does this have to do with me feeling like a FAT MAMMA? Daughter has to wear a uniform. Still not understanding the connection? Daughter is a BIG girl but she hasn't always been a BIG girl. She was an average baby and toddler. About 8 months ago she started to put on a little extra weight. It came on fast despite no real diet/exercise changes. She gained 10 pounds in a month. The doctor was concerned but I assured her that she is VERY active and doesn't eat horribly (this may have been a cover up)...she by far doesn't eat very healthy but she eats an average amount. Needless to say, finding school uniforms that fit the waist of an 8 year old but the height of a 5 year old is not easy. In fact, when daughter tried on what I had bought her, and it didn't fit, I cried. I cried hard. What have I done to my child. Have my poor habits rubbed off on my daughter? DEPRESSING!
I do not want my daughter to be the FAT KID or the one that everyone looks at and thinks that all she does is eat and watch TV. This couldn't be farther from the truth...she runs and plays CONSTANTLY. Eating...well that is something that our entire family needs to work on.

We will fight this battle as a family. I am not willing to be a FAT MAMMA or have FAT KIDS! We have started eating at home and cooking healthier meals and that is a great start! I have to take it one little step at a time, right? I keep telling myself this but I am still feeling pretty craptacular about what has happened in the past 24 hours. Must keep my head up and looking forward!

Last Night I Made These...

...and I promptly threw them away. I had the itch to bake so I made some lemon poppy seed muffins . Daughter had a bite and said they were yucky so I promptly threw them away. I didn't need the temptation in the house so I just got rid of them!
However, tonight I made these...


Buffalo Chicken Lettuce Wraps

 ...and they were DELICIOUS! I found the recipe on www.skinnytaste.com and decided to give them a try. I love all things buffalo and these did not disappoint. It was an easy crock pot recipe, too! This meal was VERY low fat for me since this FAT MAMMA don't like blue cheese! Even the Hubs really liked this meal! SCORE!

Week 2

Week 2 is in the bag and I am still feeling GOOD! I'm still a FAT MAMMA but I am a little bit less of one again this week.

Highlights of Week 2
I added exercise into my life.
I tried a new food and liked it...qunioa. Have you ever had it? If so leave me a comment about how you like to prepare it/eat it.
I purchased a new food scale and started to use it in order to be more diligent about just how much I am eating.
I am still highly motivated to not be a FAT MAMMA!
I took the kids on a solo road trip...a first with two. Not really weight related but there will be a post about how it was weight related.



Lowlights of Week 2
I just couldn't say no to a margarita at my Aunt's house. But it was GOOOOD! Must keep working on willpower.
I had a few times that I ate "just a bite" and felt terribly guilty.
I ate a lot of processed foods...too many frozen diet meals.

As you can see, I am really trying to take the time to think about what I am doing/eating each and every day. It's hard but I must be mindful about how, what and when I eat...it really does help. I knew going into tonight's weigh in that I would be "disappointed". Not really b/c like I said last week, 10 lbs or 0.1 lbs...a loss is a loss and I must be happy with however much I lose. I am happy to say that I once again had a great weigh-in...-2.6lbs! That puts my two week total at 9.2lbs.

Looking ahead at this week, it's going to be tough. I am having lunch with friends and a family birthday dinner. My goal is to plan ahead so I can make the best possible choices. Wish me luck!

Where Oh Where Has My Treadmill Gone?

Do you see it? Do you see the treadmill? It's there, I promise! Did you know that you can pile a lot of shit  on a treadmill? They actually make a great stacking platform. When I went downstairs the other day this was just another sign to me that I am a FAT MAMMA. Several months ago we moved the treadmill out of the main room in the basement so Daughter had more room to play. The treadmill actually fits perfectly in this little nook in the back room. When we moved it to the back it was a nice clean area that we said would be perfect for some exercise. BUT since I am a FAT MAMMA this never happened. Instead I used it to stack crap that I was sick of looking at. Last Monday I went down to the basement and started to unearth the treadmill that was buried among the junk.

Not a very good picture but there is actually a lot of room in the nook.

Turns out that it is quite nice to go down there and run. It is quiet (except for my music) and it is COLD! I have some visions in my head of what I would like to do in the nook to help motivate myself and make my time down there even more enjoyable. We will just have to wait and see if the Hubs allows me to make my visions come to reality.

I hope you all have a great Monday and great week! Stay tuned later today...it is WEIGH IN DAY! As always, feel free to send me a message or leave a comment...your comments (let me know there are actually people reading and keep me motivated)!

Old Motto

For as long as I can remember, well probably since I started getting fat, I had a saying, a motto, a comeback..whatever you want to call it. Anytime someone would engage me in conversation about their diet or how they wanted to lose weight, I would say, "I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and hungry." Of course this type of conversation usually happened as I was stuffing my face with something of no nutritional value. I guess I always assumed that being skinny/healthy made one grumpy. I assumed wrong. I do have to say that there have been a few occasions in the past two weeks that I have been a grumpy miserable bitch but those occasions have been few and far between. For the most part, eating healthy and exercising has made me a happier and more positive person.

I have been thinking a lot about this "motto" and what I really meant by using it all the time. Excuses...it all boils down to excuses. When someone would talk about eating/dieting and I would say this to them, I was just using it as an excuse for my poor eating habits and to make myself not feel so bad for engaging in destructive eating activities. I now realize just how detrimental this type of thinking can be. It is exactly this type of mindset that lead me to be a FAT MAMMA.

I think I can...I think I can...

I definitely jumped with both feet into this whole healthier lifestyle thing. I knew that if I didn't start to exercise that my weightloss would be just that...weight lost. As you all know, my tummy is my biggest battle...you've seen the pictures.So this week I started to add some exercise into my day.

I am the kind of person that has to have a goal in order to stay on track. For example, I am not going to go out and walk, run, bike, or anything of the sorts just for fun. Tell me that in 15 weeks I will be riding my bike 100 miles in one day and I will figure out a way to do it (I did it twice actually). So, I knew that I had to have a goal. My  friend Katie was over visiting and we were discussing weightloss and being healthier and she mentioned that she had just started the Couch to 5k program. I stopped her right there. "LET'S DO IT."

Yes sir, I signed up for my first 5k "race". Katie and I will be doing the Great Pumpkin 5k in Reston, VA on October 6th. This means that I have approximately 66 days to literally go from couch to 5k! The Couch25k program makes it pretty easy. Last night and tonight consisted of a 5 minute warm up followed by 20 minutes of alternating 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking and finally a 5 minute cool down. Not too bad!

Fat Mamma's not gonna lie...I do NOT like to run so I am a little worried! Hopefully, I will continue to like the program and be able to keep up with it. Wish me luck!

I can't believe i'm doing this...

Have you ever taken your picture in the mirror? Even better, have you ever taken your picture in the mirror without a shirt on? Have you ever posted said pictures on a public blog?

 The thought of this hadn't even crossed my mind until yesterday and I honestly thought I was going to vomit when I got a good look at the pictures after they downloaded to my computer. Can you say GROSS???  I have to say that I am one very motivated FAT MAMMA after seeing these pictures! I am excited to see how much "less vomit worthy" my pictures get as I lose weight. Drum roll  please...

**Disclaimer- I am not responsible for any blindness, loss of appetite or mental scarring that these pictures may have on my readers. Look at your own risk.**

See I told you so!

Week 1

Week 1 is in the bag...AND I FEEL GOOD! Well, as good as I can feel considering that I am still a FAT MAMMA.

Highlights of Week 1
I realized just how poorly I was eating.
I never felt terribly hungry.
I still got to eat Chick-Fil-A (twice I might add).
I realized that this journey is going to be long but I am up for the challenge.
I found out that fruits and vegetables are a satisfying snack.
Hubby and I celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary and I enjoyed our night out!

Lowlights of Week 1
I threw away A LOT of money when I rid the fridge, freezer and pantry of crap.
After enjoying a night on the town Saturday, I wanted to pig out on Sunday (but I didn't).

Now...the moment you have all been waiting for....this weeks weight was 185.4! That's right a 6.6lb loss! I am super happy but also guarded because I know that "beginners luck" is what happened. You always lose quickly in the beginning. Our leader at tonight's meeting reminded me of this but I quickly replied that I am fine as long as I lose...10 lbs or 0.1lb.  When you are in it for the long haul, a loss is a loss!

I have lots of other things to share with you but I will save those for the upcoming days! Keep coming back for updates, stories, and hopefully some humor!

A New Beginning

On Monday, July 23, 2012, I decided that I didn't want to be a FAT MAMMA anymore.  My husband came home at 5:40 that evening and I walked out the door at 5:45 determined to change my future. I knew tthat if I didn't change my habits that I wouldn't be able to be the best mother to my two young children. In 2004 I successfully lost 30 lbs before my brother's wedding by joining Weight Watchers. I decided that I would once again, give WW a try.

Like I said, I left the house at 5:45 for a 6:30 meeting. I left the house and did what I do best...made a beeline for the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru. What can I say? I AM A FAT MAMMA! I successfully chowed down a spicy chicken sandwich and waffle fries in about 5 minutes. Then I did what I knew I had to do, walk through the doors to WW. I filled out paperwork and stepped on the scale...192lbs. Congratulations, Kelly, YOU ARE OFICIALLY A FAT MAMMA!!!! Strangely enough, I felt relieved and calm. It helped that my sister-in-law and FRIEND Jenny joined me at WW. It is always nice to have someone to travel with on a long and tough journey! THANK YOU JENNY!!!

So there you have it, the start of a journey. A journey to a healthy, happy and hopefully skinnier FAT MAMMA!

Welcome & My Story

Welcome to my journey! I created this blog mainly for myself. I know that this journey is not going to be easy but I want to be able to look back and appreciate all that I went through. For those of you that know me, you know that I try to find humor in all situations and I tend to use sarcasm A LOT! My intent for this blog is to allow myself to be brutally honest with how things are going...good or bad!

So here's my story. I am not one of those people that have struggled with weight since childhood. My "battle" with my weight did not start until I was out of high school. Over the past 10 years I have watched my weight slowly creep up to well past 150 lbs. In 2007 I got pregnant with my first child. My guess is that I weighed around 170 pounds at the time. I was terrified that while pregnant I would hit the 200lb mark. Luckily, I only gained 17 pounds while pregnant. I was thrilled at my 2 week checkup that I had already lost 24 lbs. YAHOO! Long story short, after having baby girl, I got very sick and ended up losing another 15 lbs. So at 8 weeks post baby I was around 130 pounds. This was by far the lightest I had been in many years. I was thrilled! BUT the thrill clearly made me eat more because once again I sat and watched my weight began to creep up. And I mean it....I SAT AND WATCHED my weight go up. I ate a lot and sat around a lot! I did manage to train and complete two century bike rides...riding 100 miles in one day. I learned that biking is not the best way to lose weight. I was in great physical shape but still HEAVY!

In 2011 I found myself pregnant again. At my first appointment I weighed in at around 178 pounds. Once again I was terrified that I would hit the 200lb mark. This pregnancy was a little different than the first, I had no morning sickness and I could NOT gain weight no matter how hard I tried. At each appointment my doctor would lecture me about needing to eat and gain weight. At 28 weeks I found out that I had gestational diabetes and this was the reason that I was not gaining any weight. I immediately met with an endocrinologist and was put on a strict "diet" to control my diabetes. After two weeks my blood sugar was still not under control so I was put on insulin shots. As the weeks went on I had increase my insulin and still was unable to control the diabetes...even with 4 shots of insulin a day!

On the day of baby boy's birth (EASTER Sunday 2012) I weighed in at 187 lbs.  (Yes, I only gained 9 lbs!)YAHOO!!! I did not hit the 200 lb mark. Now that I look back, I am ashamed that I was proud that I didn't hit 200 lbs. I should NEVER have been close but I was/am. Again, at my two week post-baby appt I was down over 20 lbs. I was so excited to be "small" again.

I will leave out the details of the time period from May 2012-July 2012 and just tell you that traveled a lot and ate even more! On Monday, July 23rd I went to the doctor and weighed in at 192...I was so ashamed, mad, embarrassed, pissed, and...well you get the picture. It was this day that I realized I was a FAT MAMMA and something had to change.