Beware...this is a long post. Fat Mamma don't lie so I am gonna lay it all out for you. The past three weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life. My own personal Hell on Earth. I have known for many years that I had some "inner demons" that played tricks with my head...making me feel things about myself that I knew weren't true, things that at the moment were terrible but with a little positive thinking, were gone with the blink of an eye. No, I don't mean that I heard voices...the only voice was my own telling me that I wasn't good enough, not smart enough, and other stupid thoughts like that.
So when I started "getting down on myself" a couple of weeks ago, I figured I just needed to shake it off and get back on the ball. Well, as hard as I tried and the more I tried to shake the negative thoughts, the worse it got. Work was stressing me out beyond belief and it started impacting my life at home. I was constantly sad, angry, short tempered, tired and always feeling guilty about "something". I realized that self talk wasn't going to cut it. I was in BAD shape. Finally, I broke. I reached my lowest...I called the hubs upset last Tuesday and told him that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I guess to some people this would be considered suicidal but I don't think so. At no point did I have any intent on harming myself...I just wanted to sleep...FOREVER.
The hubs came right home, talking to me the entire way. We knew that we had to make a plan to get myself healthy and back to myself. I mean come on...I have a wonderful family, great friends and I am kicking ass on my weight loss journey! So...I made the first available appt with my Psychiatrist, knowing that I had tried everything I could without being able to shake the funk. At my appointment it was very apparent to her that we had to do something fast before I got any worse. After talking to her and her deciding to make some medication changes, she also decided that I needed to take a leave of absence from work. She said there was NO amount or combination of medications that were going to help me get better without being able to take time for myself. This was like a kick in the stomach.
I am proud to be a teacher. Yes, the pay sucks, we are not respected like we should be, and demands grow and grow each year. BUT the idea that I am helping to shape young peoples' minds is an awesome feeling. However, what my doctor was saying came through loud and clear, I have to take a break to get myself healthy before I can help anyone else. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband that understood 100% and just wants his wife back.
You all know how close my mom and I are, best friends. Well, she has known for a couple of weeks that I was on a downward slide and had kept asking if I needed her to come up. I kept saying no, I can deal with it, I will be fine. On Tuesday, when I was so so low, she called the hubs and asked if she should come and he said yes. My mom immediately dropped everything, in Ohio where she was visiting friends and flew to be by my side. Sometimes you need your mom...1 or 31, age doesn't matter. When my Mom got here, I just cried, and cried.
So it has been almost a week since I was at my lowest and I am still pretty low. I can't quite grasp the idea of taking time for myself. I am still worrying about work...feeling like I need to be making plans and doing things. I feel so guilty that I have let my coworkers down, even though the tell me that they understand and they just want me better. I still feel like I can't just sit down at home for an hour and read a book or watch trash TV, that I should be cleaning or doing something like that.
This afternoon, I have an appt with a therapist that I have been seeing for about a month. Most of our discussions centered around the stress of work and how to help myself feel better about doing the best I can and not worry about what others think. I have a feeling today we will change that focus on how I can get myself to let go of the grief and guilty feelings. After today, I will start with a new therapist who focuses on anxiety and behavior modification. I am not "excited" but I am feeling a bit of hope. I am really struggling with feeling like I am never going to feel like the old FAT MAMMA . I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't feel like this HELL is ever going to end. I know it will but I just can't see it right now.
My mom and dad left today, hubs is at work, kids are at school , and I am home with the dog. I am going to try my best to relax and not feel guilty/get upset...really I will try my best but I can't make any promises. But before I end this horribly depressing (sorry) post, I do have one piece of good news: I lost another pound this week. I am now down 18.4lbs. I am now only .6lbs away from my 10% goal. I know this week will be hard...I am home by myself all day...I think I should sit on the couch and eat crap all day BUT I am going to try and get myself out and walking/running. The 5k is SATURDAY and I am going to do it. I am in no way ready for it but I signed up for it and I am not backing down. I may take an hour and walk the whole thing but I am going to do it.
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