Happy New Year

     A very belated Merry Christmas to all and a very Happy New Year to everyone as well. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and had a chance to enjoy time with the 3 F's. Family, Friends and FOOD. Did I really just say, "Enjoy time with food?" Yes, yes, I did. That's because I am a FAT MAMMA! Let's rewind...it's been almost a month since I last posted. My last post was a downer. I was feeling pretty "crappy". I was dealing a lot of emotions and kinda just let it all out.
     That was a month ago. I am in a different place today. I am happy, satisfied, and optimistic. I am upbeat, smiling, sleeping, and 11 lbs heavier. AAHHHHHH....yep, I said it. When I stepped on the scale this morning a whopping 184.8 greeted me. I was shocked but not totally. I have spent the last month enjoying myself. I have spent time with family, friends, and my best friend...FOOD! I am 110% ok with what has happened in the past month which is a good feeling.
     With that being said, I have a LOT of work to do. I need to lose those 11 lbs AND some more. I have a half marathon to run in April and I am going to kick ass! 2013 promises to be a great year. I have lots to look forward to and being a healthier and happier and Not-So FAT MAMMA is the main goal!

Disappointment, Death, Anxiety and Frustration

The title of this post pretty much sums up how I have been feeling the past couple of weeks. Let me break it down:
*Disappointment- this covers many aspects of my life. It is probably easier to list why I am disappointed in myself than to explain why I am feeling each one
          **Not motivated to eat healthy or exercise
          **Feeling disappointed that I have not been the best person I could be especially when it comes to
              family. Not necessarily my own little family but my extended family.
          **Not telling people that how they treat me/act towards me effects me...both negatively and  
              positively.
*Death- The day before Thanksgiving my Pappy passed away after living a wonderfully full and happy life.  He was a hard working and hard loving man. I have so many fond memories of spending time with him. It is always hard to lose a loved one but this one hit me really hard.
*Anxiety- I have really been trying to live in the moment and enjoy each day as it comes. This is really hard for me. I like to have a plan. I know that I will probably be going back to work in January and that brings a little bit of anxiety which is to be expected. What is not expected an causing me a lot of problems is the anxiety of thinking about next school year. Yes...a full 9 months away.
*Frustration- all of these things pretty much cause me to be frustrated with myself. I know I shouldn't worry about so much and go so upset about things but that is just how I am wired.

So how does this all play into being a FAT MAMMA? Well, I feel like I am back on the fat train. I haven't been counting points and have been binge eating a lot more. When I am disappointed, I eat. When I am anxious, I eat. When I am frustrated, I eat. SO HARD! What the hubs and I have decided to do is for the month of December we are going to enjoy ourselves and the holiday season but also be aware of what we are eating. I don't expect to lose weight and may even gain a bit. However, I am ok with this. I am not going to be a prisoner to food BUT I am also not going to be a FAT MAMMA forever. I know that come January, I will be ready to jump back on the train. I still plan on going to my WW meetings and weighing in because I think it is important to keep myself in check . I will let you know next Friday how it goes.

Hooray

 For small victories...that's all it takes, right?  Baby steps is what everyone says. So Fat Mamma is taking baby steps. This week I took a baby step and lost 0.8lbs. So that means that I am down 19lbs...again! It was kinda bittersweet...I am at 10% weight loss again. But hey...that's almost 20 lbs. I said to the Hubs that I wanted to lose one pound this week so I can be down 20 pounds. However, he brought me back to reality. "HELLO....it's Thanksgiving week!" Duh! So my goal this week is to maintain. We shall see...good thing is that I don't really like many of the traditional Thanksgiving foods. Turkey, mashed taters and pumpkin pie (no crust) are about the only things I like! Having to weigh in the day after T-giving also helps keep me in check. YIKES!

Interesting

I was pretty damn sure that I was going to step on the scale on Friday and hear that I had gained a little bit. I was shocked when she said that I was down 2 pounds. I was happy but at the same time I felt guilty. Guilty because I knew that I hadn't eaten very well in the past week and I had done absolutely ZERO exercise. I should have gained weight. Hmmm...now I am wondering, wondering if it will catch up to me this week. As I sat in the meeting on Friday I said to myself that this was my "free pass", my incentive to get my ass back on track. So here is how the past couple of days have gone:
Friday Night- out to dinner = beer, grilled chicken sandwich and Cesar salad (not too bad)
Saturday- (B-Fast)- nutri grain bar and banana (Lunch)- some type of chicken egg roll appetizer and side salad- pretty sure this wasn't the best choice....grrr  (Dinner)- pizza- three pieces and some garlic roll things- NOT a good choice
Sunday- (B-Fast)- nutri grain bar (Lunch)- some pretzels and an apple (Dinner)- beer, hamburger, cheesy potatoes (not much), small piece of ice cream cake- not too bad but made some bad choices

So...FAT MAMMA is not off to a great "new start" . I need to make better choices AND I need to get my butt out and moving. Here are some reasons why:
1) I feel better when I do some type of exercise.
2) I eat better when I exercise.
3) It helps me lose weight.
4) I am doing a 5k in 11 days and I will NOT "drop-out"!

There you have it. I MUST get my booty in gear! I have no excuses...

Will I or Won't I?

    First of all I have to say thank you to all of my friends and family that have been thinking about me and praying for me over the past couple of weeks. I think I say this in every post but it really does get me through the rough days knowing that so many people are out there rooting for me.
    So it's Friday. Yippee, Yahoo, Freedom as many of you are probably thinking. However, I am thinking, "Will I or Won't I lose weight?" I have been pretty good this week. The beginning of the week was awesome and I was really careful but Thursday and Friday were not so good. According to my scale I am down a little bit, which is fine. A loss is a loss. I will check back in later and let you know how it went!

Something to think about...

   Last night I made a delicious dinner of spaghetti, meatballs, spicy Italian sausage and garlic bread. A dieter's dream...not really. However, I budgeted for dinner and knew that I would need to "save points" in order to enjoy dinner. Dinner was ready to be served and  I started measuring out my portion. One cup of spaghetti, two ounces of sausage, an eighth of a cup of sauce and one piece of garlic bread. We happily ate dinner as a family (including the boy) and had good conversations about our day. The girl even tried spicy sausage and liked it. I finished my allotted food and felt pretty satisfied.
   About 8:00 rolled around and my stomach was GROWLING. I had a glass of water to see if I was just thirsty and it didn't help so I had a two point ice cream bar and went on my merry way. About 9:00 came and I was ready to head to bed and I was hungry again, I grabbed a two point fiber one brownie. I went one point over for the day and I was ok with that because I was hungry.
  As I was getting ready for bed, I said to the hubs that I was starving. His reply was, "So go eat something."  I told him that I was "out of points" and I really want to be good this week. He responded something along the lines of "its too bad that you have this idea that you have to be skinny to look good". Hmm...I thought to myself. He is kinda right...there are many larger people that look good. A few minutes later I said to him, "I am happy to know that you will love me even if I am a FAT MAMMA but I want to be healthier and feel better about myself. " "Good point," he replied. End of conversation.
   I woke up this morning still thinking about our conversation last night. It really is easy to be fat and happy. Food makes me happy. Being unhealthy and unhappy in my body doesn't make me happy. I sure do have something to think about...

Oops I did it again...

   No, I am not having a Britney Spears flashback moment. You guessed it, I gained again! However, this week it was only 0.2 lbs. Let me explain: all last week I was a little more careful of what I ate and what I put in my mouth for the most part. Thursday night was 50/50 on if I would gain or lose. So Friday morning I got up, got showered, put on my jeans, shirt and cute scarf (that I made BTW) and headed to my meeting. I hopped on the scale and the lady said in a whisper and a frown on her face, "honey, you're up 0.2". My response was, "Hell, that's better than last week's 3lb gain." Not exactly what she thought she would hear but whatever...that's just how I am.
   I sat down to wait for the meeting to start and it hit me...JEANS...clothes. The 0.2 was because of the clothes I was wearing. You see, up until this week I weighed in every week wearing the exact same clothes: t-shirt, sports bra, underwear and shorts. Hell, everyone knows that winter clothes weigh a lot more than summer clothes. JACKPOT! I guess it is good that I "forgot" to wear my weigh in outfit b/c from this point on I would look pretty silly in shorts and a t-shirt in 30 degree weather!
   The meeting was great, it was with a leader that I had never met before and she was great. Very thought provoking and I left feeling motivated. So motivated that I went out to lunch and had: garlic bread, pizza, and 4 beers! DAMN IT...grrr. Oh well...life goes on and I am going to live my life. I am not going to be a FAT MAMMA but I am not going to be one of those over the top crazy people that deny themselves everything. I am taking it one day at a time...yesterday was not a great day in the diet world but that's OK...I can and I will do better today!